1:53 p.m.||||2004-04-29
Ever feel like this? I know I have. I'm also not the greatest person to pull you out of that mood, so no wonder Lazy and I ain't hanging lately - although, I wish we could!!!! Why can't we?? SOme day I would like a cup of tea of coffee, to watch a movie or sing a simple song, have more coffee, maybe step outside and wander briefly in the sunshine, and to have a conversation. Any conversation. Not an overly important, like I been waiting five years to have this talk, not an overly emotional, weeping, where you been, man? Just a fucking conversation. It's hard to stay in touch with people, I find. And there are very very few for whom I would go an extra mile if I haven't seen or heard from them in an inordinately long time. Actually, I've been known to drop everything for anyone I ever loved. And that's just a shorter list is all.
Anyway - I got some kind of ball rolling here but I don't know why except the last few days have been among the most boring of my life and I don't feel like looking at Romanian STreet kids stuff any more but I'm bored and typing this is one way to stay awake. My eyes are dipping and dooping - ya heard it right! Dooping!!
"Poot-in" "Poot-ED".
"can't doit!" (This is cute - he sounds British as hell when he says can't doit.)
Mom: "are you pooping"
Josh: "poot-IN!"
This was gonna be an entertaining list but I am too tired to think of any more so I'll start a running-list and throw that up every once in a while.
Just think, Dave, Cello, and Skweerell, and a few others that have been around since he was around six months old - by lurking around here, you've seen my boy learn to roll over, stand, walk, talk and reason!!! Doesn't that kick ASS?!?!?!
I love you guys, seriously. (Hear Cartman, please)
3:54 p.m.||||2004-04-28
Pbbssstttt. I really did have a very cool template that I made ready to go and almost up except I used Microsoft Word and when I saved the web site it created its own little directory and without that, I think the code is pointing to a lot of shit that no longer exists and as I spent hours on it only to have that proprietary crap pop up, I can tell you I am not going over it by hand again - the last several were hand coded entirely....anyway. This is from Lex, who will always rock.
I'm at work, um, working, on staying asleep. I'm between tasks and have nothing really, other than iterating the same (let's count em) - seventeen ! - words over and over and over and over and over again - this is the time of day where I am sure my voice reflects the utter inanity of having to say those words repeatedly. I will get to do the INtranet stuff but that ain't yet. Data entry has slowed since I entered most of it. Accounting only gives me stuff on Fri and I caught up on my letters Monday so I worked on the Romania kids website until I could think no more about it. Again, the same info over and over and over and over again. Who cares? I mean, after caring the first thirty times you read it. I am trying to research and impress upon J the importance, in a web site, of deciding what it will ultimately do, how it should do that and from where one should get one's info. Reiterating and reconstituting info from other's sites does not a functional site make - although it does a plagiaristic, reductivistic (huh??? fucking what?), and redundant one make. Yuk. I like doing this for a friend and for such a good charity, but these kinds of things are all over the place, and ultimately, in the land of the web - we are clearly consumers, bending to the influences of marketing, no matter how persuasive the urban, gritty, graffiti'd pages of our drug-addicted, homeless, poor and starving Romanian orphans might be. This is a great cause but thinking of it in terms of selling a charity makes me want to puke. Or sleep.
Josh was a nazi monster from hell in bed last night. Every so often he has a bad night where he can't stay asleep and he pokes me in the back, head and ribs for a couple of hours, then decides he needs more milk, so he whispers wetly, and clucks and messes around with the covers and kicks his feet, until I freak out, bound out of bed, mad that I haven't yet been asleep for listening to his endless barrage of nonsensical nazi crap, and stomp into the kitchen to get him another BABBBBBAAAAAAAA.
The Word, the Item, the Concept!!!)
Usually he then sucks it so noisily that heat rises in my stomach and I feel woozy, like I'm standing on a tilting floor in a fun-house: anger from the pit. He goes at that for like a freaking hour - slowing down and stopping at times only to start about three feet, startling me too, and then going at the SUCKING - sluuurpp, squit, squauot, thsst, lop, flisth flis flis, thslrutptr!!!! - and then it gets to the end and it begins to "squeeeeee" ans "thshshshthshshshsiiiisssss" and "sthkieeeee". Then it's gone and he taps his fingers on the hollow sounding plastic - I sound I FUCKING hate - "atlapatlap" - and then I go nuts and ballistic all over again - after about thirty minutes to an hour of the refusal to wind it uup after the bottle is empty!!!! Usuallyyyyy I just take the bottle when it's making the hideous empty wheeze, and I toss it - I've been known to whip it against the wall, I hate it so much - almost as much as I hate when this whole process takes four fucking hours!!!!!!!! Then I tell him, "it's gone, close your eyes. go to sleep" If I had a dime for the repetition of the following: "lay still, Josh, quit fidgeting. Close your eyes. Sshhhhhhh. Quit talking. Quit whispering. Go to sleep. Close your eyes. Stoooopppppp, Josh. Cut it out." I might could invest a small amount upon which the down payment of a house could be made in about five years with interest favorable to me. Favorable to me and my LOSER ways.
The good thing is that I dearly love DAve and he is still my boy and still the smartest and sexiest boy that ever made me so proud by simply loving me.
Josh is exactly half as tall as I am.
One thing that sleep helps me do is prevent me from committing suicide. You know? I can't stand having my sleep taken from me.
I went to bed shortly after 11 last night with Josh, and he started his manipulative litany of complaints at about 2 - at 5:30 am, he was finally asleep.
Why, when I work fulltime, and cook dinner when I get home - usually - because neither my mother nor Dave seem to be capable of self-feeding anymore - and when I clean the house when I get home (although Dave is improving and did this maybe 3 or 4 out of seven nights last week and the other 3 or 4 the place looked like the occupancy came to us - why, why, why then, when Josh does this shit, must I be the bringer of the impossibly unnecessary fifth round of baaabaaaaaaa's and the changer of the prematurely flooded due to extraneous baba diapers? It isn't fair and I fucking protest. Good thing Josh doesn't do this often or we'd both have some serious shit to deal with.
Parenting is some difficult difficult workings.
All right - I have about a half hour until I get to go home, chain smoke on the way there, sleep when I get there and otherwise pretend that my life is as riveting as I want it to be.
What I really want is our own place, and a way to be intimate again. We go months sometimes and it SUCKS. Can you imagine, though, if your mother were on the other side of the wall? I mean, how loud can we all say EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW? SEriously - the thought of her thinking of me taht way is DISGUSTING beyond words./
The end.
Peace
4:48 p.m.||||2004-04-26
I wish I had something to say, but rather than a rant, I am capable only of deep deep exhaustion and fog. It won't be so for long. And I have love. Do I own up? I think so. But I'm far too full of shit to be a good witness to that. Even. I think so. I am willing.
And yes, fuck all that, all those, and more.
Sorry so cryptic. FAde....
10:19 a.m.||||2004-04-22
Not a one of you has updated in 24, and quite frankly, I'm shocked. Surely you understand my dependency - you constitute my social life.
I'm a javascript satisfied hunter right now. For the web site here I envision a whole new type of menu situation - sharp professional dropdowns - cascades - and I spent nearly two hours looking for decent scripts this morning to create an example to show IT that will convince him to work with me over lunches since I can't get a meeting. I feel sick anticipating that it might not happen at all cause I have great ideas for this project - smashing. Man, I wish I had been in high school directly following the invention of the web...those eleven year olds coming up right now will always have an advantage. Or will they? Bwahah.
I'm eating a donut and feel terrible.
It's making me feel that way - I feel no guilt over the actual donut.
Dave and I were talking about our ongoing commitment to AA once his program lets out. I admire him, his honesty, and feel encouraged that he knows its not some little issue that's gonna fade...and he's on probation, I found out, for three years. So. It's hard, though, and for people whose enttire lives of social groups never included
3:08 p.m.||||2004-04-21
...the point is, compared to all the other jobs here, mine is clear cut and kind of pointless. So it isn't possible for those with real work to do to cover me for an hour to try to drum up something valuable for me to do. I understand, and I'm not mad, just disappointed. It'll probably work out but it could have worked out, like, today, if it hadn't gotten quasi-vetoed.
I know one thing for sure - this a long-ass day.
Cave gurl.
I'm in a hole. I wish I could say I popped out of one.
I can't imagine a summer without alcohol.I'm not sure there's been one, ever.
I will say, you hear some pretty down shit - as in down with that - in meetings. Doesn't make like to be there. Even though I often do. I'm a chameleon. Isn't that what I get paid for?
2:53 p.m.||||2004-04-21
awww... you guys, still checking me out.
There are times I really want to talk to Lazy and I'm not sure why we don't talk. There are things I think I can only really communicate to him.
I have such interesting relationships.
I've known Harry for almost 12 years? And Lazy for nine, maybe. To me that's a long time.
I digress.
I'm at work.
I got offered something yesterday that today look as if I
10:43 a.m.||||2004-04-19
Every other week for a coupla months we have been catching the virus of the week from Josh, who of course gets it from day school where he and his lil compadres slime each other up and down. My mom was sick as a dog all weekend and I feel no great myself, neither, you know?
Stuck in my head: "what da hook gon be? I don need no fuckin hook on dis BEAT..."
Know that song? Has like little peeps and squawks? Kinda like "from the car to the parkin lot, how many chicks can you fit in that ride?"
Dumb radio rap. That I sort of like, just to fucking spite myself. DAve points out when they are so misogynist as to be unbearable because I need help with that.
I haven't been updating for many reasons, most of them appalling and I'll leave it at that. You guys, however, are at the top of your game.
I am happy, however.
Ahhhh, Josh. Little back scratching, arm stroking hairpatting wonder. He's a ham lately. And beginnning to potty train yeah - and he stands up! Poor kid, though, he's been sick pretty much all winter. And spring. I have been the healthiest of all of us. Which is weird cause I never really eat enough to sustain life much less fight off infection. (Actually I pack all my calories in after six pm and then lay like a bloated beached whale in bed wondering why I do that to myself)
Gotta go distribute some mail.
9:02 a.m.||||2004-04-14
I'm depresssed.
I'm also broke, don't ask. I feel overwhelmed and like I'm never gonna get clear of this particular tide.
AA is becoming a total drag. Just having to keep this schedule - and even then, Harry does most of the carting of Dave around. For a while I had to hit like six meetings a night, in a row or something like that, and I'm burned out.
Dave has a month of this left. A month til he doesn't have to report downtown and doesn't, I don't think, have to make three meetings a week. God, I really hope there's no AA quota for the rest of his probation. Probation lasts, I think, at least six months, maybe a couple years. I don't know. I've lost track. This is all for shit we had hanging over our heads when we met. Plus another thing. Involving a dumpster. You know. Sheeit.
When this is over we have to pay off his license fees - don't even know what that's gonna cost. But we'll still only have my piece of shit car between us. Have I mentioned latlely how much I want to move?
Last coupla weeks I bounced a few checks, borrowed money from my mom, and now have to repay her and some other crap and for the next month, even though it shouldn't be like this, I'm gonna not have an extra dime.
Oh, whatever, I can't believe I'm just going on and on whining about this - it's early, I;m arleady out of work, Josh woke up at 4 am and then 6 and I'm tired, have a cold, am bored and noone is updating.
Sorry
11:10 a.m.||||2004-04-07
Dude. Man, seriously.
You know what, that's funny, if you hear me say it, like, out loud. In print, it is as it has always been, as slang goes, lame and dumb.
I keep my job. Yay. 90 day. Eval. Not knowing what to expect, and knowing as I do, that my job is so simple, and not really, um, that sensitive, or, um, important in the grand scheme of things, and that there are times when I, um, don't have much to do....and so I have diversionary means to survive a quiet day, and um, I usually feel like the world's biggest natural freak and project those feelings onto everyone around me, assuming they, too, most know I'm nuts, and have decided not to like me prior to meeting me and then sealed the deal when they did.
But it's fine. I'm cool, they like me, they're keeping me. And, thank god, they are giving me more to do.
I'm smart enough to do much more but too fragile to deal with stress should that be responsibilities hand maiden.
I am so much more critical of myself in a lot of areas than others have seemed to be. So, I know to keep my mouth shut til I see that that's not where they were headed....always surprised.
(I thought they would say, quit being late from lunch and stop your incessant, obviously compulsive web browsing. And by the way, we totally know about your building three websites on the company dime)
out
4:15 p.m.||||2004-04-06
3:47 p.m.||||2004-04-06
receptionist: "blah blah blah, blah, how may I direct your call?"
client(drawls sexily): "how are you today?"
receptionist: "fine and you?"
client (chuckles, pauses): "i could use a beer".
client was a woman who sounded about sixteen.
it was weirder when it happened.
dude, man, for real, things have been surreal around here lately and i'm'a fin to crash. real soon.
dread with a capital, no wait, just dread.
alright.
I'm a go get those pictures.
recap.
2:13 p.m.||||2004-04-06
I'm going back to the weblog for a while but I will surely live to regret it, eh? But I don't feel like writing at all at the moment.