1:34 p.m.||||2004-12-17
It’s like these two parallel stories, the fantastic, break out success I am suddenly experiencing at work, and the wobbly, uneven parallel bars that constitutes my private life and my attempt at some recovery in the areas of my excesses, in order to be able to have this life.
I am caught in a web of stress, depression, self-doubt and anxiety about AA, my sudden and instantaneous aversion to ever going back….my need for affection and a physical intimate relationship with the man in my life, otherwise known daddy, alternately with “man whose previous dependencies render him a danger to my daughter” (how little she knows of the chicken absolutely coming first, in our case. Every time. He always seeks more balance than I seek chaos, and he has a better chance at recovery than I have ever had)…my desire to absolutely help Josh navigate this crazy time in his little social life - help to really learn, in a non-emotionally manipulative way - that it is better not to hit, and that people not only like him, but love him, and that not everyone will like him, but if that person happens to be a teacher, than he should feel he always can rely on his true advocates, to say what he can’t (cause he’s too busy whipping toy at ninety miles an hour at the head of a person who has become frustrated with trying to understand him., or worse, has begun to write him off. It is the labeling of a child, when he just come to start to get a sense of himself, and worse, when he thinks mostly in polarities - and every thing IS one way or t’other - that can be SO destructive, and I am ON GUARD. I am also afraid of the daycare, afraid of other parents, and most sincerely afraid of his teachers. (Not that they would ever suspect, nor would work, that I am an intrinsically neurotic person who is SHY. I talk and comingle possibly better than anyone I know who suffers from this degree of shyness and feelings of inferiority. There ARE two sides to me, and I am a talented liar.)).
I do live a life of double parenthesis….
What else? …My extended desire to, and my delayed ability, to have some kind of creative life. You know I wish I could write.
God, I am fucking winded.
I called in sick today, waking nauseous and feeling like my head would explode, and sitting in the bathroom for a half hour, staring at my feet, thinking how impossible it would be to move, and running over the itinerary of what my day would be like, should I decide to go. I don’t know how busy my back-up was this week, my sense of it being that she, like me, relentlessly all week, had been bombarded with work, it was an off the-hook week and right in the beginning of it, my trainee had to be readmitted to the hospital for an infection related t her appendectomy of a month ago. I thought we’d scared her off for good, because the phones were nuts, and there were two audits happening simultaneously. (Before I worked here, I never realized there could be a connotation to : “AUDIT” that wasn’t highly negative, bringing to mind crimes related to taxes. Its part of the nature of what we do, and not only are audits expected, they happen regularly. We had an audit of us and a client audit, and there is so much politeness, performance, and hard work, and pulling of a bazillion records, that it’s a high maintenance time, and the worst possible way to introduce someone to our inner workings. I was actually relieved to know she’d gotten sick…
Why I ramble in this way, I don’t know and I wish I were a tighter narrative.
Any way.. I think my boss is out today (usually on Friday) and my new boss is in, cause I checked my e-mail and she wrote me cheery heads up about a software I will use, encouragement that it’s an easy one to use, and now she has hooked up my log in - I should see her next week to go over it, and made reference to the cleaning of my cubicle - being vacated right now. Overall, she seems excited that I am gonna be doing this job and I find that hella encouraging.
Just, calling off now, before chaos ensues next week, knowing I’ll be training and juggling, and that not only did the new girl have to call in for two days, but I call in the week she should be training, leading one to consider, possibly, the inconvenience this could have posed, and a week after Josh got sick twice, making me miss two days - it looks fishy, and I feel bad. I am so glad that in my new position, all that will happen when I am out for any reason will mean that KC has to do lunch and breaks - which she has been doing all year, so what does she care?
But I am sick, and actually I suddenly feel queasy and tired so I’ll leave you with that. Bleh.
7:15 p.m.||||2004-12-14
6:40 p.m., 2004-12-14
FOUR NAMES YOU GO BY:
Karen
Missy Pooh
Pooh Bear
Karenoid
FOUR THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
My ability to learn
That I can write
That I can draw and paint
My ability to love
FOUR THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
My love/need for chaos
My desire to hurt myself
My lack of patience with my son sometimes
My inability to "fit in"
FOUR PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
irish
Scottish
Welsh
German
FOUR FAVORITE HANGOUTS:
Dave's arms (bear with me, we have lived in separate houses for two months and it's fucking killing us both)
Band practise, my own or that of others - sitting on the floor watching it all unfold
My bed, with a book
In public, where I can unabashedly people watch - read park.
FOUR BEST FRIENDS:
(aside from family members)
Dave
Harry
Treya
Karen (co-worker)
FOUR THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
Losing my son
Dying before he grows up
Dying in general
Being kidnapped and tortured
FOUR THINGS YOU HATE IN GENERAL:
Unkindness of others
Religious persecution
The combination of church with state
Self-righteousness
FOUR OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
Coffee
Nictotine
Prayer
Kisses and adoration from my boy
FOUR THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
Glasses on a chain
Maroon baggy sweatpants that need washing
A cream, brown and beige striped turtle neck (that I wore to work and that unequivocally does not match the sweats)
My engagement ring
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
Waterdeep
Lori Chaffer
Veggie Tales
The Wiggles (sorry - and actually, I hate them, but they default to favorite when they occupy the front 80% of my brain)
FOUR REASONS YOU'VE BROKEN UP WITH EXES:
He was a stupid liar
He was an incorrigible drug addict
He didn't bother to know me and he pressured me unduly for sex
I got bored and was possibly not in love to begin with
FOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
Artichokes
Lobster
Crab
White Chocolate
FOUR THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
Trust
Friendship
Passion
Accountability
FOUR THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
Self Confidence
Humor
Wit
Fitness - more of a confidence thing than a body reality
FOUR THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
Give anything to God on a regular basis
Stay clean from everything toxic
Forgive myself certain things
Imagine a life of self realization in all areas
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
Playing guitar/singing
Reading - voracious when time allows
Writing
Drawing
FOUR THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
To move out of my mothers into a home with Dave, with all the attendant adult freedoms that would afford.
To get the training of my replacement over to get into my new job and never look back
To feel free
Security in my own actions and reactions. I cannot predict myself. I tend to sabotage myself. I worry. I want to be free of this worry.
FOUR CAREERS YOU'D LIKE:
Web Designer
Graphics artist
Store owner of some nutty art thing
Fulltime writer - if I could actually get past myself to do it.
FOUR PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
Ireland and Scottland
Arizona
The "west" - a tour, if you will
Iceland
FOUR THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Build a meaningful and realistic relationship with my own spirituality
See my son in a well-adjusted adult state
Meet everyone on my favorite's list
Run a sheep farm and learn to weave.