11:09 a.m.||||2004-03-29

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expectation/trial/experience/failure/dissillusionment

oh oh oh -

"and all that science, I don't understand,

it's just my job five days a week ``

rocket ma-aa-aa-aa-n, rocket man."

(Meanwhile, back at the lab).

So, I was wondering if there's any lab techs who feel that way - "touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at all, oh no no no, I'm a rocket man."

Some people here have supiority complexes due to the fact that their educations are overrepresentative of science. True genius?

Weird weekend. Harry thinks I'm nuts. I'm like, no seriously, I'm nuts and he's like, I, um, think you might be nuts, and I'm like, completely insane, and he's like, i worry that you might be....

Relative, of course, as always.

Boredom, mixed with contempt for society mixed with the joy of thinking about goals, plus the horrid reality of having to do the same thing over and over into infinity unto death, to achieve them, set against the love of family, brought next to contempt for society and an inability, perhaps unwillingness to fit in....though I do want to. I am smart but damaged, and full of something lifelike while also exhausted and depleted.

It's a lot like fear.

There are a lot of people who are hard to read in this world and I don't trust a single fucking one of them.

AA is a place where "people will love you until you can love yourself" (Awwwwwwwwww.) And a couple of weeks ago my face was red-hot the whole meeting cause I had this intense realization that I am unloveable in the way they mean.. (People seem to like me, cause I have social skills. But I'm too much, too much this, too much that, I don't know, maybe not. But at least one person in this giant building, who has never met me in person, spoken to me on the phone maybe twice, less than four words. whose emailed me a couple of times to complain about getting the wrong phone calls (during my lunnch break, when I am not HERE), who only hears me occasionally when I page people, really really dislikes me. I won't get into how I know this or what it entails, dull, this is already too dull. but isn't that funny....what is it about me that could irritate her so much when we don't even cross hemispheres, really....I am becoming paranoid about it.) Anyway, I don't think sometimes that I'm gonna get the help and support I need because there's no-one to be really real with, whose motives I don't suspect, whose love will be without condition, especially if we met only in the last five minutes. It's excruciating, a little. Like I told Harry, in church and in AA, it's hard to get excited about friendships that are obligatory. It's like hospice. Of course they're gonna be nice. But what if you weren't dying, literally or figuratively...what if they simply got to know you and decided that you are not worth it- not friend material, not friendable like so many others. The fear if rejection completely stops me from taking chances in this...

blech. I'm not trying to get a reaction....and although it really sounds like a pity party, it ain't.. I'm bein honest and I don't want to solicit sympathy....if you want to give me some love, that would be tremendously cool - it's odd, but I still feel, in a deluded way, closer to all of you who've read and whom I've read in the past three years, because here so much is shared silently, and patiently, and unconditionally without all the chaos that happens when you have to deal with the live, breathing, visceral container to all those thoughts and lines, not that I haven't longed for a hug or yearned to hear a voice.....nah-mean?

Ok. Perhaps more later - almost time for my cancer break.

Lazy, please update, just once more. And forget who might read it, nah-mean? A