2:35 p.m.||||2004-08-16
Uh - I'm working and just need a qucik regroup breather. What a freakin weekend.
Dave's birthday - and on Saturday he went to his sister's husband's dad's funeral (heart attack - dropped dead in prison, in his mid fifties), and I went with Harry to the wedding of our pastor's daughter to our bible school teacher's son. That was nearly an eight hour affair with the wedding depression/lethargy hitting me right on time, as predicted. I don't know why, but even though I find weddings moving, I also find them definitively depressing and sad. I usually have a feeling like I'm not worthy and that feeling fights with my natural cynicism about marriage in general. I feel both contaminated and critical. You know what? I really am nuts. Really.
Anyway. Sunday morning went to church and then got in a very huge, very snotty, very angry argument with Dave and wound up storming out of the "carry in" dinner(which Harry insists on saying "Carion" and then thinks calling up images of predatory birds is so frickin funny - what ever.) without eating. Like a baby. Like the baby I was accusing Dave of being.... Because! Because for three days he promised to line up child care for this week (through Harry's niece who is at my house as I type this - she's sixteen, going back to school in a couple weeks and wants the chance to work, and make money for what else - clothes) and he wasn't calling and wasn't calling and I tried not to but I kept asking, and finally, in the lunch line, asked one too many times and he rolled his eyes at me and I flipped. First I drove around the church hood, got cigarettes, cursed his bloody name, smoked a couple, (disugusting, I know! I plan on quitting soon, especially as my smoking is negligible, but AGGHHH. I do try to keep it to the minimalest of minimal, so I don't know why I bother except that in the light of all my other dependency issues, I needn't rock the boat, really) and then I returned to church. Harry and Dave were eating with a few of my favorite people at a table very far away from where Josh was practising spraying water from the drinking fountain in an ever increasing and ever slippery radius between the restrooms and seating area, where a small group of sullen kids was staring at Josh like he had suddenly sprouted a third eye - how quickly kids forget and become superior in their elite disdain for all things toddler. Pbsbsbsyt. I am a lioness, with fierce protective urges against him being looked down upon or shut out. It's funny, because he is a tiger, tall for his age, but muscular, and tight. He's so heavy, you should see my biceps. (Freakish, really) So he's going to be tall - my dad is 6"2, so is Dave, and my half brother is is 6"5!!!! - so really it's not so much, I don't think, a matter of whether he will be picked on, but whom he will choose to protect. You know. Because he will never be a bully. That would be, for me, a victim of bullies, the ultimate slap in the face......
I am so rambling, and I do apologize - I have been wanting to update for ages, just to keep the words moving in my mind, because at some point, I need to return to self, so to speak, as idotic as that sounds, and steeped in cliches as this entry is. But it was a stagnant time recently, what with all the self-created chaos that is only now beginning to settle - and it is, except for that argument (better now, and resolved, althought the unfortunate residue comes from having bitched at Harry within earshot of mu mom, so that when I got off the phone she was all like "what was that comment I heard about since neither of our mothers support this relationship, maybe we should give up the ruse....?" so she wanted to know all about it, and why am I mad at Dave, yada yada. I told her that i will not be breaking up with him any time soon, so don't even go there - not that she ever has....but just in case. The problem is, she sees my point, thinks I work too hard at pulling it all together and so she backs me up in my complaints. But then, never really sees the positive either....I told her and Dave, man, there is too much pressure on me coming from people's expectations of Dave, for which they fhold me accountable....I'm still the interpreter too often) - yeah, except for that irritability that overcame me and forced me act like a five year old, I have been feeling better, and more peaceful. But still, you know, full of angst. I self medicate because my native mind is full of glass. YOu know? I keep thinking, oh yeah, that's right, living fucking hurts. Dunnit? But not ceaselessly, and not uncountered by joy. So there.
Right now, out of dust and magic I am making an image map graphic of a portion of a page of the Intranet I have built. They chose and stuck me with a template for this project that blow s- and frankly, you guys might recall, I could do a better layout (Then royal blue with self generating navigation buttons that are that puffy three D looking thing....you know, worse than "web art" or "icon art". A page is flat. Who ever said making navigation stand off the page was a good idea?
Oh welll - I need to go to do this....but I'll be back I'm sure