10:56 p.m.||||2003-06-29
Josh is in the bath attended by Dave and I have only a split second before I go to give Dave a much needed haircut, get Josh into bed and have a beer.
The tone and point of this journal has changed so much - ridiculously so - in the past year - and I am reconciling myself to this fact.
I do enjoy the outlet and the strange part emerges only in connection to the fact that several real life friends read it. It might be too confessional at points, or not know its real purpose, but this little writing venue does at least one thing consistently - it provides the outlet and makes me give a shit about words, mine and those of others.
It also allows me to say some things to some people whom, in real life, I would rather not have a confrontation, whose personalities make such confrontations not only awkward but nearly impossible. I think of one guy, who's always right, who may or may not check this, and whether he does or not, I don't really care, but clarifying evil situations with the knowledge that he may get some insight into what I think from this is certainly not too off-putting. In other words, I don't vent about him here so that he will find it - I just need to vent. I'm not afraid to be honest here. If he finds it, he should know it's not for him. And luckily, since we're all anonymous, no-one will connect either, in some real way that could implicate him or anyone else. Unless they get together and dish, which is possible because they are so fucking fond of talking.
Actually, twice, I wrote entries directly aimed at him knowing he might read it or not, so what, but just to make it a direct address was so relieving it was worth it. I don't know if he read those entries because in real life he has a professional poker face and is good at reacting only to what is necessary, not burning more bridges than is necessary, because one day he might need something ELSE from me.
My stress comes from a big lie that lately is tossed back and forth lately like a rancid salad. I am burdened by it only because it involves one person whom I consider a friend, and then the rest of the sorry community revolving around Dave's band. There's no escaping it really, just coping, and co-miserationg and wishing this were a world where good friends were easier to find and that manipulative drama seekers were few and far between.
Consider this part one of the vent - I need to go hug and kiss my son and put him to sleep. A real reason to live. Dear so and so, I highly recommend it.
1:59 p.m.||||2003-06-21
thanks very much to the kind words in my guestbook - things are improving, but alas, I spilled an entire cup of coffee on my keyboard and so haven't been able to update.
we're the blalck sheep at a weddding today - more juice upon the arrival of an unsticky keyboard.