7:06 p.m.||||2005-01-29
Man oh man...I think of the journey I started here and how much I loved writing at Diaryland back when I was a lonely stay at home mom, living in a ghetto with crack dealers next door, and roaches taking hostages under our couch. The couch we left on the curb when we left. And the computer innards. And much of our self esteem and ability to believe in ourselves.
I still love Dave as much - more - than I did then, in my breast-feeding, chili-cooking, post-drinking in Chicago state of mind.
Ah, lord. It's just so much, so much in four years. I am seriously considering moving this journal so I can resume serious updates....there's been a lot that I elude to and struggles I still go through that are just not what I want to risk talking about and getting busted by IT. Don't know how serious a threat that really is, but honestly. I love to talk about work and to vent, but there's much issue surrounding confidentiality - so I just sort of mull around talking about it.
Enough. I have lost the diary touch.
Coming in late, I bet this is one of those that just elicit a yawn, like, new car, ya ya, alluding to parenthood with no real detail - that has always irked me and I am aware of it my own writing, that lack of detail, attention to it - that my handwritten journals could ever be as interesting as I think they are considering the fact that often I fail to root the reader in place, time, reality = sort of spinning words and thoughts in generalities and platitudes instead of saying the crusted egg rimming the edge of the plate had been stinking and green for two days, in a small, well-lit, pine-tree-lined….
Bla bla – and here is where it had to drop off cause a co-worker came around the corner….more later one would hope.
oh man. please tell me hello to break me out of this feeling like a shell of a person sort of funk. I am at work, about to leave, different day from that above...just drowning in freaking over time (and so happy to have the money which will precipitate the move - soon! Like, maybe next month? Oh god - all the kitchen stuff I have in storage - droooollllll.)
8:49 a.m.||||2005-01-22
I'm bored. It's going on nine and there's a fluffy blizzard outside. I am supposed to go to an AA meeting and then to work and I'm not actually sure I can get out of the driveway.
5:15 p.m.||||2005-01-17
Hahah. In fifteen minutes I am going to go pick up my new used Saturn. Yay me. I suppose you could guess that the Ford has had to be laid to rest. I can't wait to get out of here so I can scream at the top of my lungs....ew, that just reminded me of what's his name, with the run through the halls of my high school song - forgive me.
Later, in a red Coupe.
10:12 a.m.||||2005-01-16
Josh is doing is I am waking and therefore bitching whine that I love so much. In a minute he'll appear and demand Dora or Harold - both of which are Dave's.
The car is tanked. Battery didn't help, so I spent much of yesterday on car lots with my mom. Now, I have the world's shittiest credit, so the first place we went was "DO YOU HAVE A $199? DO YOU HAVE A JOB?!?!?!" And so, ok, neither of us our, what do you call it, dickerers? And my mom got pissed listening to all the men around us bargaining with the sales people and we looked at financing for the ticket price of a new (13,000) Taylor Kia Reo. Which, new, seems like a cool enough car, but what small like a sardine can, and sort of standard feeling, kinda plasticy. But new. I don't know. Anyway, based on my credit alone, it was a steep payment, and about 70 up from what we originally agreed upon. So from there, to the Saturn lot, where my mom is on her second Saturn, and has great history and because she works in the auto industry, some perks as well. We applied for a used, really handsome, much bigger, much more loaded Saturn, that would be the perfect perfect car, with the expectation/hope that the payment would be about a 100 less than the evil goonie thug place, where the last guy to shake my hand struck me as the most likely candidate to show up on my doorstep with a frickin nightstick should I be late a payment...long story short, the Saturn dealership seemed like a real place, and they don't dicker, thank you. They're gonna call me at work tomorrow morning with the credit results, and if that looks promising I'm going to call the insurance place, yaddayddda.
You should see the Ford I have now. One day Dave and I counted all the things wrong with it, and we stopped at 39. It's so unsafe I don't really want to go into it - let;s just say if we were in an accident, I would be the first to surely be killed. It's probably not even legal. When I bought it off my mom six - seven years ago it was in perfect condition - had never been creamed in a parking lot (it's since been hit about 6 times and had major body damage repairs twice, before insurance would have gone up); and since then it has been parked outside and that has taken body damage and just rusted it through and through...kinda of a bummer about whatever car I get is that it, too, will have to be parked outside. Thank God Saturns are made largely of bendy plastics.....that just occurred to me - a good thing, really.
I don't know why I'm going on..
Ughh.
I spend my whole weekend having racing thoughts about work, and then when I get there, I am fine. I don't know why I have such negative thoughts though. I hate the unknown. I really do. I don't mind change as long as I know what it is.
Enough...I'm being weird.
9:37 a.m.||||2005-01-15
Ahhhh, the new job. The crazy crazy new job. I'm in this abyss of learning something people with loads more experience too years to, but on the fly, in the din of the cubicle, largely through help files and web sites, and since I duplicated the results of several people, I can expect I am on the right track. I don't know why certain things didn't happen upfront, but I just don't think it's going to happen that way. It's like if you went to a class and it was up to you to decide the curriculum and learn the subject based on the questions you ask.
Yesterday a database with people's clock in info went nuts and some things disappeared. Because people know I have some responsbility in that software (but don't know it's unrelated to basic clock in functions) I dealt with questions all week where I could see the problem but wasn't really supposed to deal with it (oh, and my boss was on vacation). Anyway, I can't even really explain what happened but in the midst of setting up access rights for someone something relating to the database came up and I messed with it (I clicked on it, really)and when I did that it seemed to restore itself and brought all the missing stuff back. I mean, what the fuck. Long story short, I don't like unexplained things happening in areas of the software I don't deal with, that for some reason people insist on asking me about, and then inadvertently fixing it without knowing how I did it. Fixed, at 4:30 on Friday. Who knows.
I will like it, eventually, after some higher up people in departments I support realize I can actually learn it and that, left alone all day in a cubicle, that I actually am doing the work. I do work best alone, and I think it's freaking a couple people out that since moving into this job they haven't really heard from me in two weeks. I think they're skeptical. It's funny almost. What's not funny is that I am kind of a nervous wreck about them having confidence in me, I don't know what questions to really ask at this point, and I don't want them to perceive me negatively because some of this takes some time to master. (When I was hired, I believe most people knew what was up- and that they were kind of taking a chance on me) and for some reason I find it more difficult to articulate my thoughts when I feel intimidated.
Growing pains, I'm sure. Every week will bring challenges and insanity. Oh well.
The cubicle appeals most to people, I think, who are ultimately quiet and not too much socially oriented. Which I personally love. But I do think that when I was upfront people had a different perception of me - that maybe I was more a people person - and maybe I come off as slightly unfriendly back there because I sort of hate small talk and I pretty much stick to the cubicle.
I ramble
I need to go buy a battery for my car. The new receptionist has become a friend and yesterday her husband came over to remove the block of acid and rust that used to be my battery. Then I am going apartment hunting with the woman (who befriended me when I was upfront) who used to be the back up receptionist, also named Karen. Weird.