1:57 p.m.||||2003-06-21
thanks very much to the kind words in my guestbook - things are improving, but alas, I spilled an entire cup of coffee on my keyboard and so haven't been able to update.
we're the blalck sheep at a weddding today - more juice upon the arrival of an unsticky keyboard.
10:01 p.m.||||2003-06-15
test karen, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant and show a preference for visual learning, although not extreme in either characteristic. You probably tend to do most things in moderation, but not always.
Your left-hemisphere dominance implies that your learning style is organized and structured, detail oriented and logical. Your visual preference, though, has you seeking stimulation and multiple data. Such an outlook can overwhelm structure and logic and create an almost continuous state of uncertainty and agitation. You may well suffer a feeling of continually trying to "catch up" with yourself.
Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor. You can "size up" situations and take in information rapidly. However, you must then subject that data to being classified and organized which causes you to "lose touch" with the immediacy of the problem.
Your logical and methodical nature hamper you in this regard though in the long run it may work to your advantage since you "learn from experience" and can go through the process more rapidly on subsequent occasions.
You remain predominantly functional in your orientation and practical. Abstraction and theory are secondary to application. In keeping with this, you focus on details until they manifest themselves in a unique pattern and only then work with the "larger whole."
With regards to your career choices, you have a mentality that would be good as a scientist, coach, athlete, design consultant, or an engineering technician. You can "see where you want to go" and even be able to "tell yourself," but find that you are "fighting yourself" at the darndest times.
1:40 p.m.||||2003-06-13
listening to Fugazi, waiting for the toddler to nap, happy I talked to Harry today, as there's noone else to tell these stupid truths to.
I think Dave has lost interest in me. The thought that this necessarily includes our son inflames. I feel as if I have fallen into the practice of every stupid cliche a person can, but at least ten years late in every case, which makes me what, retarded? A master at making terrible decisions.
I can see no way out but to go to my own mothers for a bit, to get the job that will propel me into single parenthood. I don't really know where this relationship stands right now, as Dave refuses, as he always has and always will, to communicate. I am just so sick and tired of fucking waiting for him to step up. He hates all the decisions I have made out of desperation that he refuses to, and he hates pretty much anything I try to say. Is this my problem? Is it? He makes me feel worthless and invisible.
He takes any sentences uttered by women as criticism. There are no conversation starters.
Ummm.
Wow. This week has been hell.
If I move back to my mom's, and carpool and go to a job and spend six months catching up and saving money and dealing with a child who misses his father, and probably fuck that up, and survive and pay off all my old utilities and settle into a pattern of taking care of it myself.....then why on earth, after having had to figure it out all myself after all, am I ever going to trust Dave again? what's the point? I don't trust him to get his shit together now, as it is, and if I have to set up shop myself, to let him what, lick his wounds? I'm supposed to be like, cool, come on back? Come on in?
I have this real sense that instead of dealing with the shit he needs to, when we leave, he's going to self-destruct. Why not? I'm not good enough to provide incentive not to and neither is Josh.
This is truly sick making.
I don't think he;s shiftless, but he is able to settle, he's distracted by his own feelings of worthelessness to the point where that's what he indulges, and unlike women, who in spite of feeling disenfranchised can still parent, he acts like he just can't be bothered.
Yay.
5:02 p.m.||||2003-06-11
And, oh my god, I miss Lex Designs - the little Canadien hipster whippersnapper who inspired me to learn htm in the first place. I know her personl site went to live journal, and for that, eh, who cares, she thought I was a stalker probably anyway....but her code!! Her lovely eye, and her wry sense of humor. Gone.
5:02 p.m.||||2003-06-11
And, oh my god, I miss Lex Designs - the little Canadien hipster whippersnapper who inspired me to learn htm in the first place. I know her personl site went to live journal, and for that, eh, who cares, she thought I was a stalker probably anyway....but her code!! Her lovely eye, and her wry sense of humor. Gone.
4:44 p.m.||||2003-06-11
Been drinking since noon, good thing Harry didn't know that or he wouldn't have let me cut his hair. I actually even smuggled a beer into the diaper bag and pounded it in his bathroom just to give myself the smogged up and murky, albeit probably erroneous feeling that I can cope.
As of today, the verdict on the car, which was unleashed from the shop ten minutes this am before it decided to re-break-down, is that it is a pile of scrap metal which couldn't command ten cents.
As of today, because living here is turning me into something unrecognizeable, I will most likely be going to live with my own mum, until I find a job, and until I can facilitate this move, without Dave, but loving him nonetheless. IE, we aren't breaking up.
He has some stuff of his own to resolve before he can get back on paper as an employable citizen, which could mean 45 days or six months. Anyway. I hate it here so much that I can't explain it, but I feel so old and sad and weird and unmotivated and freaked out for being the only one really dedicated to the two year old in our midst that, well, it's been a really rotten year outside of my kid.
In other news, I still love you guys, really do, and Alan, talking to you was the highpoint of my week, and Treya, I read your updates religiously, think of you daily, and one of these days, I will come to see you. I admire YOUR strength in the middle of everything that's happening, etc.
9:10 p.m.||||2003-06-06
What is truly truly truly great about the below survey is that I'm a pisces, through and through. Oh, I laugh = how I do.
9:09 p.m.||||2003-06-06
Test Results
| You think of yourself as being light, spring, complimentary, and willowy. |
| Others think of you as being changing, imperfect, exasperating, and soulful. |
| Your relationships can be described as cool, cold, polluted, and fish. |
| When stressed, you feel peaceful. |
3:30 p.m.||||2003-06-06
Wow, this Moveable Type thing is proving to be a real bitch, and I think the only solution is to delete the whole site I had up and start over. Fur-us-trating.
1:06 a.m.||||2003-06-06
Holy crap - there are like a thousand folders and files associated with this installation. Egads. Good thing I'm drinking.
12:45 a.m.||||2003-06-06
I have decided to try to install Moveable Type at my design site in order to resume giving a shit about it. Damn Perl, stupid CGI.
This is the third time I have tried to install it - it's an application that makes an ordinary site maintainable as a blog. Sounds great - several people out there whom I love use it so.
I'm killing time while I do this.
Suppose I'll check in intermittently.
Love, Karen,
Oh HEY!! I saw "Love, Liza" which stars the chubby sweetheart from Magnolia whose name has been on my mind all week but escapes just now. He's my new favorite must-see. Something Seymour Hoffman.
Love Liza was great.
4:31 p.m.||||2003-06-04
I'm trying really hard to get in here these days. It'll be interestin gto se whose left when I finally pick up my pace again.
I have just gottne tired of feeling writing when I am angry with my MIL, which is ALWAYS lately.
We're busy trying to survive in this dump, and trying to find a way back into our own lives. Coming back here was a total mistake and I doubt I'll want much of a relationship with @%#&@*! when we leave. Sad. Then again, I'm a shitty grudge holder.
We have mice.
My fault.
There's a baby in the live trap as we speak.
Josh found a friend in the nieghborhood and they both act like lil punks when they get together - being as they both are - pre-sharing.
Well, have to go fucking polish the house so the letter I wrote doesn't blow the roof off her head when she reads it. I'll be long gone before she does.
Love y'all - and Lazy, don't quit now, it's the only time lately I know what's up. Congrats on the show and the dude coming to play it.
Good luck.
9:50 p.m.||||2003-05-22
I'm going to try to get back on board with this journal.
Busy busy.
Josh turned two last Monday. He is the love of my life and I really could not have predicted the capacity for such an indisputable love. Changes so many things.
I have been practising guitar, unearthing old songs, building my callouses again, and mixing on the computer. I don't know why. I don't want fame, notoriety or fortune. I'm not even sure I want to play in front of other people. I just want every creative impulse I once called mine back, in a manageable, unself-critical way, in a way that gives my life more meaning and restores some of my self esteem.
I need to figure it out and I need to not drink like I do when I do. I'm at odds with something in myself lately - and it has to do with aging, lost creative drive, five wasted years with my ex who turned me onto various chemcials, helped me derail my college career, was a hideous liar and thief, and represents my weakness. I saw, accidentally, his band, which is essentialy the last band I was in, minus the four other people including me whom he drove nuts and finally away, replaced by his current girlfriend who looks like Morticia with a severe underbite, and a very nice, very cool guitar player who once paid me a great compliment on the work I did in that outfit.
After all this time, why do I sometimes feel bile and vile and sickening resentment for that ex? Why? I harbor no regrets that we split, only resentment that it took so long. When I see him sometimes I feel humiliated....like what poor choices I make. Am I still so stupid?
Why did I have to take that path before I could meet my glorious son? Do I still have everythng left in my soul it takes to be a good wife and excellent mother? Sometimes I feel depleted. And I want to quit blaming Todd, but when I see him, I can't help it. He sucked so much life out of me and I haven't forgiven him.
I also feel intensely protective of my son, my life now, and myself when I see him, as if he's poison - about to contaminate the people I really do love.
1:52 p.m.||||2003-05-22
You know what else? I seem to live in constant fear that I'm pregnant. There is at least one point in every month where I am convinced I am and then I'm not, and I'm never really relieved, I'm just tired.
I don't think I can handle another one.
1:48 p.m.||||2003-05-22
The day Ari gave his resignation interview to Katie Couric was the FIRST and ONLY time I have ever seen that stony-faced m-f'er SMILE, EVER. I wasn't even aware that he possessed the necessary facial muscles.
Have to see a toddler about a nap.
Love you guys.
2:24 p.m.||||2003-05-09
I'm back in the swing as far as working on the bathhousebetty site goes....having spent the past four days uploading their mp3s into different sites. Whaddapainindaass.
I was just thinking - I am so much more confident in my parenting then I was a year ago. What an infinite joy. The real love affair is NOW.
Here are the real live words Josh is recalling from the lexicon he began months and months ago: banana: "anana", no: "nah", bottle or baba: "abababa?", daddy: "adadada".
He can pretend to count to five on his fingers, understands the look of the word "play" and "rewind" on the VCR.
He understands the lion's share of things said to him and directions we give him.
He loves pinwheels and bubbles. He loves other children, preferably four and older. He say "ball".
He rocks.
Have to go - upload done.
3:04 p.m.||||2003-05-06
I'm next to naked, playing with legos boy and he's had some happy water time, and I've had dress altering by hand time, and now we're listening to Stevie Wonder, rocking out.
It's weird that Dave still makes me shy. I feel really humble next to him sometimes....he's maybe the first really sexually secure person I've been with.
Ahem.
Oh, we so can't wait til we move!! Sooooon, my lovelies.
I need to go work on bhousebetty's site some more today. Maybe I'll do some new design this summer.