5:29 p.m.||||2003-09-21
hey guys please bear with me - my gold account expired and my links were image maps - they're still there, just not visible...I'm going to have a new one up tomorrow most likely - please don't drop me just on account of that - pick my whiny irreconcileable ways instead. haha. actually, better writing is coming - i've been writing in real life and its freeing and motivating and hopefully will release me from the impractibly confessional tone this one has taken, which bores even me at times, frankly.
anyone whose images i was hosting please contact me if you need a new layout - worldgurl???
bye fer now.
xoxox K
11:51 a.m.||||2003-09-04
I'm sitting here at my mom's table, at her laptop, because, we live here now, me and Josh...--> I love Dave from the depths of my soul, but we are having a crisis, most of which I can't discuss...so....
We are going to get it together and really move, but after some things have changed, re-arranged, and so on.
I owe someone an email of apology. I don't know if I still have her email address.
I want to apologize to society at large for the way I digressed into the story behind Dave's bandmates breakup earlier this summer. I am both ashamed and embarassed the way, in spite of my contempt for the toxic, small-town, gossip-riddled viper's nest this town can be, I just jumped in with my goddammed two cents.
I used to be so much a better person than this. I don't know what happened, other than that I have been a lonely, isolated, confused person, and feeling so frustrated and friendless for a long while.
I was overwhelmed and I fucking caved.
I didn't lie, and I wasn't looking for trouble, but when I had the opportunity to look the other way I didn't, in fact, I had to act as though I needed to be vindicated when in truth, it's not my relationship, none of my business, and if this woman turned cold to me when I didn't want to bash him, I should have left well enough alone.
And just look at the shit I'm in now - temporarily separated, trying so hard to love Josh enough, extra-well, and through the confusion he must be feeling. (Actually, he's doing quite well.)
I'm a wreck, and every day in my tears, it crosses my mind that if I hadn't been an insensitive shit all summer, there might be someone to actually give a shit about me right now. Believe me, this is no ploy for pity, because I'm pissed at myself. I mean, I get it, I deserve it, and I need to grow the fuck up. I should remember that when I am so upset and fucking worried about someone else's business, it usually means there's something very wrong with me.
I'm just so sick of all of that - I wish I had left it alone, all of it, the people, the circumstances. Christ.
There are so many more things of grave importance, and real meaning in life, why do we get so diverted, sometimes? I miss Dave, and I really love him so much, and that is so much more meaningful than the petty contrivances of those who may or may not be real friends to us. I mean, do I see myself sitting on a front porch with Gene when I'm in my seventies, or my son? Am I really so concerned with Alex's relationship when my interest in that is only concealing the fact that mine is about to implode? Am I going to be so flippant about someone else's mental condition when I'm two steps away from psychological impound myself?
Can I really be such a hypocrite and think I'm being honest?
I suck.
But I'm trying to clean up the mess. Please forgive me, world, for not only being fallible and stupid, but so brazen about it.
I need a spiritual center, more than ever. I'm a vacuous hole. But my love for my family can serve as a place to begin the saving. Please, and I sincerely mean this, say a prayer for us. We desperately need it.