8:17 a.m.||||2004-09-17
Just a quick good morning.
Willingness, what an idea.
I'm feeling sort of ebullient right now - got up at the crack of dawn, asked for guidance and opened to Psalm 23. Cool. Tho I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death. Whch I can't read without hearing Coolio in the background.
Bwhahha. I had a five minute crush on Coolio. Slide slide....(something something) got somethin bran new for taday.
I wish I was a hip hop dancer. Seems like there's so much more a transfusion of African dance moves into what is now modern hip hop, plus all that jerky stuff from the Bronx (that seemed to get play when Eve first introduced her troupe) Mine will never be the butt of one of those dancers. And for this I pray for acceptance.
It's Friday.
Work. Followed by picking Josh up dropping him off at Dave's,. meeting Harry for Sushi, meeting a new friend at a meeting.
I keep running into people from my past life at meetings lately, to the point where, after finding it freaky, it's really encouraging.
Probably no-one without a drinking problem will find me doing the program problematic right? It's funny how I worry about being judged. I even think about Dave's old posse and how uncool it is to try to recover. LIke I owe any-fucking-one anything like staying out of recovery to avoid looking stupid for wanting God, and needing to stop abusing myself and my body. I'm a five year old emotionally, largely because when you abuse chemicals, it retards all growth, and I fully realize that I get really excited at first and then fall flat on my face when the real work starts.
But I have this beautiful boy I am trying to raise, who is so intelligent and loves me so much - that to be the center of his attention, love, experience and world, is the most frightening thing I've ever faced. Since I stopped everything after I realized I would be having him, and was sober then the longest time in twenty years, I kidded myself that I had changed. But I hadn't. And I will pick up every time without learning some other way to live. And I have been putting myself first now for two years. I'm a selfish immature, perfectionist depressive with great joy and love for the world and no means of navigating the extremes of these feelings.
Peace yo!
Now that I have money again, I'll get some batteries for the cam this weekend and show what this blonde boy of mine has achieved in terms of height and attitude.