8:54 a.m.||||2004-03-14
I hate spring. I do.
Yesterday in AA, a town with money, and even the subversive scene reeks of trend, I was reminded that I almost never spent any time there unless I was... And I was still dressed in my receptionist garb from the day before. And it was cold. And my hip started to ache from walking around in my boots that went out of style a year after they were bought six years ago.
Woke up this morning, mentally tallying the last two years, which coincidentally cover Josh from two to three, both year spent living in a grandparent's home...ugh.
Spent my birthday with Harry, running away from responsibility - subsequently not spending it with D. Thought about him the entire time, and Lazy in the pauses. Just the places I've lived in my mind. And where I've been every time a fear of aging takes me nearly out.
Dave. Missed him the whole time but felt like the little deflated balloon in my purple turtleneck and mom haircut. Like, when we hooked up after my show and went to sleep in Noel's basement - how boring am I now. When we lived from day to day, hour to hour, in the hotel in Chicago, and were ecstatic about each other - how dull is this now?
Is it the chemicals or just the giant and total lack of privacy and intimacy?
Living with my mom is sort of living with the source of some of my gender confusion.
There was a time when I was really angry with her for failing to provide an adequate example, for failing to be a role model for healthy sexuality.
Just so you know.
It sort of feels like I've tried on all these different wildly exciting yet totally destructive life styles, only to die down into a watery version of something I never wanted to be in the first place.
God feels very distant.
Yet, I don't worry a lot about that. I'm just so nuts in the way I approach everything that there's bound to be a falling off. I feel like I have to be very careful right now, cause I could turn the next corner.
One thing for sure, birthdays suck sometimes.
I think I can't wait til we move out, but is that really true? Isolation is a bitch. Ah, but isolation can happen anywhere.
I do not know.