5:55 p.m.||||2003-12-17
Josh has a bug today, and threw up for the first time in over two years - like seven times. Mostly, he was terrified...couldn't believe what was coming out of his head. Wanted me to hug and hold him whilst projectiling. I think I played very sweet mommy and was comforting and explained what throwing up is all about and showed him how to do it in the toilet and bucket. It passed, he never had a fever but has a broiling diaper rash from diarrhea that just won't give up. Poor baby.
He is just an amazing light in the madness.
We are all doing so much better...and for me this is pretty spritually based.
I have been waiting for tides to change for years. I am not filled with self-loathing for the first time in memory.
I have begun to knit Josh a blanket.
I sent out nine resumes and got a call on one...part time so I had to turn it down.
A friend who is an addict like me, whom I've know since high school and once was Buddhist, just had his first baby and is about to go to Romania with his wife and child to start missionaries with their church to outreach to homeless teens addicted to inhalants. This is so inspiring I can't even really put it into words.
He's a brilliant guitar player and I wonder if he'll write again one day.
My first boyfriend, who administrates in the local Democratic office, and is a brilliant politician who is kind of an expert in poly sci, would humiliate this other friend for being a Christian...although he himself was raised Catholic. Interesting. I wonder how many friends I will lose.
We will not be giving one single solitary person an xmas present because we cannot afford to. I hope noone will be offended. I wouldn't be.
I am however baking cookies for everyone...so far, sugar cookies, peanut butter chocolate chip ones, oatmeal raisin nut...I love to bake. Josh hates all cookies. It's bizarre. Kid hates most sweets - ice cream! What does he really really covet? Cough drops! "Hot tops".
He knows probably three fourths of the alphabet now....and can draw a circle.
Can say all his shapes and beat me on the matching game he plays on the computer!!
Is still blonde and blue-eyed....
Tickles me to cheer me up and says "ticka ticka" as he's doing it.
Loves to help take care of his one year old cousin...and is a new favorite at the church toddler room.
I'm thinking of joining a choir.
Heeehee.
I'm regaining weight I lost this past summer. At one point I was pretty skeletal looking even though I was eating a lot. Now I'm pretty much back to normal and have been getting up at the crack of dawn to do cool productive things.
I'm not boasting, I'm just really happy to be meeting my responsibilies in a loving way, with much less anxiety and fear than before.
I got a copy of my credit report.
I dealt with my school loans.
I called daycares to compare prices (wasn't hard - 99% require him to be potty-trained, which he isn't).
I wrote a kick-ass resume.
I forgave myself for selling our guitar, the 4-track, cd's and buncha other crap.
I got honest with the pastor and a couple other people and the people at church are really down to earth and supportive - it might be the coolest place on earth.
I wept at the contata.
I have been listening to inspiring music - this band called Waterdeep - who sounds a lot like Betty Severt - if you remember them (Swedish? But sound like they're from the Midwest...) - who are Christian but not worship oriented in the sense of mainstream...but most of the music Harry sends my way is indie Christian, maybe with secular roots - but so far outside the realm of what most people think of when they think Christian music. He has a collection of a couple thousand cd's of stuff that can satisfy the tastes of anyone into shoe-gaze to hardcore - who'd'a thunk....although I'm not as obsessed with tracing influences as I once was.A lot of the music I like in that arena comes from experiences like mine...those who had to fall a hard way first...and lyrically bound to tell the story of that fall - which isn't unlike the roots of much music. think folk, early r & b, you know, slave songs, etc. Music has always been my way to tap into to the spiritual - that's it's essence I think.
I'm suddenly and abruptly becoming a lot less tolerant of television - which, for a tv addict like myself is pretty astonishing and welcome. Likewise, Dave is spending a lot less time playing Star Wars on the computer. He's been reading a lot! Yay!
I have to quit smoking cigarettes soon. I feel disgusted that I love it so much. It's been a long time - 17 years!! I am lucky I am so healthy.
Ohhhh.
My grandmother, who is ninety is in hospice now - a month ago she started to have fluid on her lungs and this has turned out to be congestive heart failure. She hasn't long to live.
Oddly enough, several months ago, when she had a cognizant moment, she wanted to know whether I had plans to raise Josh in a church! Coming from her, although she and Gramps always said grace, this is surprising, because if she had any religious convictions, this was the first I knew. She was always the intellectual icon in our family, and although they led fairly noble lives, she and Gramps were never ever card-carrying Christians. I think there must be a lot I never knew about her. I'm going to miss her.
What else?
I have to go do some work in the office related stuff.
Just wanted y'all to know "it's alive..."
Cheers