3:55 p.m.||||2003-04-10
testing
3:50 p.m.||||2003-04-10
nothing is working - alright, webfuckingblog it is then.
3:45 p.m.||||2003-04-10
I wish I had known that once you blog these entries you can never go back.
1:02 p.m.||||2003-04-04
So I ranted and raved and thought about forgiveness and paranoia and my parents' passive-agressive tendencies in their own marriage, and I got distracted by a gnarly two day argument with Harry, and after all that activity I was ready to let go and I did and then the next conversation with MIL was normal-ler and I feel better for now. Point: stop internalizing other people's bullshit.
A lot of the hurt stems from the fact that Dave has a full creative life with his band and while he's off two nights a week (actually this week it has been every single night, but who's counting, eh?) exercising his creative freedom, I am here, with Josh, in this house, playing sweet daughter-in-law. It is rewarding in that, I know she loves me, and she confides in me a lot, sometimes I suspect more than in others in her life, but when she snaps and includes me in her swift downward descent, I feel betrayed - like, hey, I'm the one being your friend and confidante all this time, over-time really, so how is it that this kind of negativity should ever be mine to cope with?
I'm fairly powerless most of the time - over our immediate situation, money and otherwise, Dave's relationship with her, Dave's feelings and acions toward me - I control none of that directly...so I feel that my mirth is justified. Ya know?
And although I share nothing of her politics, conservative and otherwise; her involvement in a weird and untrustworthy church (they believe in speaking in tongues and every time I have ever been there the minister spends at least a half hour preaching about tythe-ing....very shady, in my opinion), she is at base a good person who has made a decent effort in her own life to do the moral thing. Most of the time she is pretty pleasant - and she is pretty generous and especially loving toward Josh.
It is unfortunate that her comminication with Dave includes a lot of that passive-aggressive door-slamming, pot-slamming crap my own parents use to use as their main form of destroying any love they had left for one another. But what the hell ya gonna do. She might say she can use those closed-door methods because Dave is impossible to talk to - and he might say he cannot and won't respond to those sorts of manipulations because she has always chosen them instead of a real conversation whose goal is to actually solve something. It's a vicious cycle, and my real complaint is that I hate being sucked into a situation that isn't mine to enter.
And I react exactly to that door-slamming environment as a formerly powerless child of divorce would, predicatably.
It boils down, as so many things do lately, to the feeling I have lately that any of my silly complaints pale in comparison to the statement that no matter how rotten my circumstances are, at least I am not an Iraqi citizenne, with four children, homeless and dirty on a war-torn street, unable to go to where provisions have been brought to replace what was once my water-supply.
For the love of god and all that is holy.
As an American it is too often easy to complain, and hey, I am over-educated, even, no stranger to feminism, Marxism, political science, social theory, etc, all the weapons that would enable me to fight my own complacency - it's in the air here, though, like a sense of entitlement you breathe without realizing it. Like racism. It is hard to break out of an inertia that is spoon-fed throughout an entire culture, to be cognizant and examining of your value system. And I AM talking to the liberals, here too, folks, especially to those of us who think our education has enlightened us - one wouldn't have to make the same plea and reminder to the disfranchised, would one?
Eh, education without action is null, right? I try to think that raising my son is one action.....