8:22 p.m.||||2002-12-09
I have had the most intense stomach ache for two days, and I know why it started, just wish it would stop.
Dropped baby off to the mothers' yesterday and went to pretend to help A & K, A being the guy whose band Dave is in now, scrape and dismantle and prime the woods of their new home. I got in on the action too late to do much but strip up some carpet tack and prime a coupla cabinets but I did go there feeling like a good task would be nice.
But I was feeling hungover and crippled from the Steel Reserve (One and a half cans, on a dinner of macaroni and sausage. Good god, what could I have been thinking) I consumed the night before ....when I went to see pfleabie and found out her IE will not, under any circumstances display any of the images in her template. She hasn't even seen the thing yet.
So after D, K, A & I played in paint dust, and I drank exactly two styrofoam cups of strong, sugared only, coffee,we all separated for various reasons. K & I went to Foodtown and wandered dimly through its aisles, suddenly and utterly baffled over the prospect of hunting and gathering. We ended up with a frozen Lasagna, bread, cheese cubes, and Chili and Beer Potato chips. K is the only vegetarian in the group, so any communal puttings-together-of dinner usually don't include much of what she will eat. Sigh.
That said, earlier, when the boys were painting, the featured background music was a Jane's Addiction's cover of a Grateful Dead song, which Dave tells me is called "Ripple". Beats me. I hope he's right. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Anyway, there's this festive little change somewhere in it that kept reminding me of a snippet from another song...and it felt very nebulous, like I might never remember, but it definitely occurs elsewhere in nature. And I mentioned it to K, and she said, "hmmm. I wonder if I've thought the same thing before....or whether we had this conversation already." I think it's the latter.
Today, coming downstairs, it hit me. "Feed the World/Let them know it's X-mas", is the song, and the snippet is a melody from a vocal part, quite likely, either Boy George's - no no, it's the riff right after that...the line right before...up to and including "do they know it's x-mas" - you know how that piece kind of bumps along, like a baby coming downstairs?
Agghhhh. That fucking song always made me cry.
Feed the World.
While the lasagna was cooking, A coerced Dave into playing a little acoustic preview of Bathhouse Betty. I mean to tell you - theirs are some good ideas. I am really happy that someone finally convinced Dave to play, because he has great instincts, and although he's playing bass, and he's actually a guitar player, he's good, and he's one of those exasperating people who go straight to the heart of what a song needs to give it that little twist that makes it memorable.
I especially like bass runs that are what you'd expect from a guitar player. Jimmi Hendrix's bass player, whose name I've forgetten...narratve. Yay. Just bass that likes to break forward at the right points to tell it's own story, but knows how to be back beat enough to avoid sounding like it's racing when it steps forward.
4:15 p.m.||||2002-12-09
Poof! Sound of wind exiting sails...
but hey, here's this: new thing I made.
3:19 p.m.||||2002-12-07
it's been a pretty entertaining day so far....Josh is in a decent mood, I got a chance to shower, always a miracle, and I made lazy a new template. Ok - just one lil prop to myself - see this: this one has heart, I think.
I would like to take a nap in this car, that makes my template. I can almost smell its upholstery - dusty, murky. Maybe some dogwood blossoms, and leaves, and some faint cigarette butt. Mmmm. Yawn. In a faded dress with strappy purple shoes, one strap snapped. Some discarded post cards and an empty bottle of Tanqeray in back, a cracked Pepsi cup from Burger King, and two or three moldy limes.
Hallelujah!
12:24 p.m.||||2002-12-07
Just a quickie before Dave heads out for the day - he's helping a friend get his house ready for moving in.
Josh is newly into tackling me with his love. He used to tackle me with a hug if I coughed, or if, when he oulled on belly button ring too hard, I said "OUCH". Now, any time I'm looking as if I need a baby spectaculaire, he jumps on me, pushing with all his weight and grab/hugs me as hard as he can. He does it from behind as well, and if I play hide and seek over my shoulder, than he finds that especialy inviting.
So: he weighs 29 pounds - 3 and a half pound gain in two months - eek. He's 33 inches tall. He's 90th% for cranium and weight, 50th% for height.
When I say, "would you like to read abook", he goes and finds me the one he wants, precisely. Not so for diapers, although I am lazy enough to work on this daily. Problem is, he doesn't like to be changed, so why would he bring me a diaper?
He says, in his fashion, "dog, bow-wow, kitty, yellow, red, blue, ball, hot, dad, mom, I did it, up, down, yes". Thise are the King's English words he uses. He babbles non-stop in his own langiage, of course. One day I started speaking a little French to see if he would notice anything odd - he didn't. And why would he - those aren't silly sounds particularly, but sounds from a language.
His big thing is the insider grin. That shiny eyed, almost winking look of complicity? It's hilarious. He'll be playing and I'll be watching and he'll be telling me all about and siddenly he'll sort of wink at me as if to say, "surely you can see the irony here." And nod his head up and down once or twice kind of brusquely. HI-larious.
Anyway.
Dave's about to go. I will surely be bored. maybe I'll take some photos.
1:16 a.m.||||2002-12-06
If I were Sheila I would surely take a bow.
Do I not rule?
And by the way, I did feel Thankful at least once over the holiday.
And even more so, now.
I'm dying to tell you something, but I can't.
"anger is an energy"
It strikes me as exasperating that I had to walk around for a month deliberating in order to remember that it was PIL whom I saw in Detroit back when I was eighteen. Around the time I saw X, and Husker Du. And Bowie.
"let the road rise with you"
"I could be wrong I could be Rrrrrright!" I'm sitting here with a shiteating grin, I just dunno. And it's funny 'cause I feel like shit.
Anyway....hmmph.
Still can't talk about it.
Tryyinnnng to find a way to talk about it. Caaannnn't.
It's good, it's safe, it's precisely my size.
Bah.
6:20 p.m.||||2002-12-04
I like these questions, and as they pertain to myself, I don't know that my answers will be consistent, over time.
These were written by Achren
1. do you intend you get/are you married? and if so, why, and what place do you feel the church and state have in your relationship? please discuss.
I have never been married but intend to for the sake of the child I already have, and the sakes of people in our family who think it's important.
Personally, I feel that committment is just that, regardless of the paper which says os legally. I have never been terribly comfortable with the prospect of being married, partly because I am a child of divorced parents, and leaning toward feminism, I still view marriage as a hiercharchical structure, one which has been historically catalogued as both a form of slavery for women, and ownership of property for men.
I've had many friends who got married just because. Just because, why not? Free presents, money, a vacation, a party, everyone else was doing it. I avoided marriage based on those premises. Of my friends who were cynically married in that fashion, only one couple has parted ways, the committment was already present on all their relationships, as many of them had lived together for a long time before that.
I think they married because it seemed a better tax break. I don't know very many people who married because marriage in itself is divine.
And in my relationships, which range in duration from three to five years,
I felt that I was essentially married, but when the relationships failed I was glad that the divorce was simply a matter of moving out.
2. do you intend to/have you had children? and if so, why? what was the impetous behind your choice to have children/what makes you want them?
I never intended to but did have one child. He wasn't planned but he was welcomed. I had a decade long debate with myself prior to his arrival, and thought that I would never have a child, and came up short many times trying to find a reason why I might want to. When I became pregnant I was madly in love, and for the first time n m,y life, the thought of having this child didn't terrify, or nauseate me. I am, however, 34 years old, and possibly wiser than I once was....I'm a great parent.
Although my spirituality is nebulous at best, and I have trouble with organized religion, when I became pregnant, I hadan instinctive, hard to describe, and very sincere feeling that this was it, a certain moment I was ready for....but I wouldn't say I I had planned for the possibility, I just knew when it happened it was right.
Which brought me closer to God, but not in that predictable where abiding by a spiritual model means marrying.
We probably will be married. Personally, just as with having a child, it isn't something I feel I need to do to be right with God or state.
be back later to spell check - my teacher has arrived. (I'm in class)
6:15 p.m.||||2002-12-04
2:28 p.m.||||2002-12-03
I shoud change my option fields to 1. how much coffee did you drink? 2. What incredibly lame VH1 special on Tina Tunrer did you spend the morning watching? 3. Are you even planning on eating?
I am feeling muchas better. You know, it's a damn shame I know no Spanish.
I could easily acquire it!
It is Tuesday, it is white as fleece - insert cliched winter image here - and this morning I received a call from a fellow from a place to which I applied for a job yesterday. I don't even want to tell you what - but remember the theme song to the Carol Burnett show, with the lady pushing around the mop at the end? Another: I'll be able to wear jeans, I won't have to dye my hiar just yet, and I will most likely want to invest in a new walkman.
I don't have it yet, but I will. And it so on the down-low! No other people, no phones, no public. Me, doing tasks. I can do those.
But I have to go! I have to go fly a check-kite to get diapers (I don't think you want to know how I managed to stretch this last one, but let's say I knew I was up for this job when I managed it). And then I have to come back and actually reach this guy "au telephone" - "sur le telephone" (I know that one's wrong.) I wish my mind were just un peu less like une sieve.
5:04 p.m.||||2002-12-02
Ok. Sorry. You know, I just wanted a change of pace, and to stop worrying that I'm offending someone somewhere every time I veer a little. The thing is, I didn't realize that by locking uo my journal no-one could use their images that I am unlawfully hosting against diaryland policy.
Again - major oops.
So, I won't lock it, but I also have to insist on not caring anymore. Because I have been caring too much.
I insist on thinking that people like to read others journals for reasons other than A. they like to look at traffic accidents and B. they want some dim satisfaction from acting polite under any circumstances....i.e, talk about the weather but not about anything that is fallible and real and possibly destructive in their real lives. If all this is about is not offending anyone with sometimes sordid or candid details about an imperfect existence than why even bother being published. One of my favorite authors is Bukowski with every nasty sordid thing he really did in his very real real life. I am tired of trying to only talk about good things, nice things, coffee talk, etc. I don't talk so much about my son anymore because he s such a unique person that I don't often feel he would necessarily want me to. That doesn't make me a bad parent or self-centered or anything other than, in this stupid diary, concerned about giving myself something. This diary is about ME. The parts of me I want to share with you. I'm not a jackass or irresponsible because I choose to cast my own weird struggle here in a way that may or may not suit some more conservative tastes. This isn't a baby journal done at geocities for something to do on Saturdays - this is my attempt to use the idea of imaginary/not audience to get at something unimaginary in myself. I just wish I could show people, that even with my mood swings and sometimes self destructive crap, i do this because I'm lonely and a writer, like it or not.
You know?
11:08 a.m.||||2002-12-02
whatever. i suck. i just wish i had known before.
i think i'm going to quit doing this. because it makes me feel like i have friends but in reality i don't. not really. not really.
every time i have made a mistake and sort of dropped my courteousness about lying just enough to make everybody fucking comfortable, i have gotten dropped from somebodies list.
this still hurts ny feelings.
did you know that hep B is pretty common in restaurants and kindergartens? When i had it i gave it to myself. hep B is airborn. Ah, things they don't tell you at the clinic.
whatever. .
I have an idea - why don't we start a private conversation here where we can all vent about the inanity of online life where it sucks to think you meet great people, because your local fucking carryout is exactly the same as yesterday, and nothing changes except your feeling of your own self importance.
i have been thinking(Not planning.) about suicide a lot a lot lately. Now, look, I 'm not going to do something about it, but Alan, Treya, is it so wrong to admit you think such things? I'm going nuts having no-one to talk to, I get depressed, I'm full of anxiety and I know we all relate. What should I do, considering I dont have insurance and so cannot do the Paxil thing,as much as it appeas to me. I am self medicating, though, brother, and I'm obviously having trouble with prayer, so you.
How does a person fix their perception of their own self worth?
3:36 p.m.||||2002-11-29
I am so full of the rage of the powerless that I am locking this up in order to try to have some space to let out venom without wondering when I wake what in hell I've done.
I often don't see the point of having an online journal other than that the attention actually inspires to me write. Not always to write well, or to write to entertain an audience that is partly imaginary - the point of publishing makes the whole undertaking murky and weird.
But I always did write. I have box of years worth of journals. I stopped keeping a regular one after Damion - ex-boyfriend I dumped very abruptly when I met Dave, whom, at that point I assumed was sent to me directly by God - after Damion read my journals to find out whether I was abusing drugs. I was.
It got worse after I couldn't keep a journal. The same thing happened to Harry that year as well - his father read his and he has been unable to keep one ever since.
One of the entries I wrote recently that got deleted by nearly divine intervention was about my target audience, whom in the beginning of this I imagined to be composed predominantly of stay at home mothers, working mothers, young mothers, struggling mothers. Mothers.
But then, I began to hate my potty mouth and my checkered past enough, and to hate my own speculation that any mother reading my journal would simply hate me and assume I'm unfit, that I stopped trying to write anything real.
I have always reassured myself that the only thing that really binds my own favorites together is that they all are good writers, they all seem to tell truths, and, entertaining or not, they like me just want someone on some other end to notice their efforts.
I wish I could get away from my own confessionalism - I always dreaded the confessional poets, but my own writing is exactly that.
4:42 a.m.||||2002-11-29
Alright dearies, this is a one-liner if ever there were one: a couple of you might have known; and practically no-one else did, but I am also
3:15 a.m.||||2002-11-29
Ok - it had to go. I know you understand. I don't really hate virgins.
11:28 p.m.||||2002-11-27
I wrote a terrific entry yesterday evening about my tendency to misbehave in art museums, likening it my then upcoming fear of visiting with my extraordinarily Christian friend, who is getting married Saturday. The bond between museums and Christianity would have been "institutions", "fear of people" "contempt for hypocresy."
Then, Josh deleted said entry with a swipe of mis mad baby paw.
I dunno, who cares.
Sushi for lunch, Christian bookstore for comic relief. (I wouldn't call it dessert) My son very nearly tackled this very kind, fortyish midget. And I have a wokring cloth belt with a cross on it that looks like something Kelly Osbourne might wear.
Yay.
OK. Child screaming?daddy probably impatient
9:41 p.m.||||2002-11-21
Josh is listening to the toy that has a classical song sampled by Handsome Boy Modeling School, and I just dropped in to find the entry where I posted lyrics to songs I was writing at the time.
here.
I was almost going to put this on lockdown since I have been feeling so erratic lately, though I'll spare you the details. Then, Pablo cheered me up.
My hiatus note was going to read something like " will return when I am a bonified grownup"
Any hoo.
9:04 p.m.||||2002-11-19
...this canNOT be good - Joshua David fell asleep at precisely 7:30 pm this evening as opposed to his usual 1:45 am - there will be a blowout within the hour, of this I am quite sure. But he NEEDED a nap...and he's sleeping quite soundly still, so what is a poor, belabored, exhausted, deprived of personal space mama to do, I ask?
Anyway.
This is from Moby's tour diary...(I sort of distrust him, any ideas? Although...I do like the "we are all made of stars" riff...I start humming the silly thing and before I know I agree.)(Hey, but I also like Clipses "how many chicks can you fit in that ride"..."from the caw to the pawking LOT")
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96
I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97
For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
and people are still planning on voting for him.. it boggles the mind. -moby
8:48 p.m.||||2002-11-19
I'm having this little love fest with my favorites - not my like my little ultimatum fest the other - and again, so so so sorry - (what a punk!), where I congratulate myself for having such exquisite taste in truly imaginative, cool, real writer people.
You have enriched my life!
You know what? Once upon a time I knew how to code links into the spaces in the profile section where we list favs....so that you could click on them. But for the fricking life of me I can't remember how - and I don't recall whose profile showed me that I could do that. Do any of you happen to know? I have probably ten other favs at other domains I'd like to list without having to redesign today.
2:53 p.m.||||2002-11-18
...this absolutely needs a change of once again, whatsay.
In the past, when I was leaving a bad relationship, or celebrating a new semester in college, I would get a radical haircut to sort of personalize my progression.
I feel like shaving my head.
I'm trying to do homework, and Dave is trying to paint a panel and Josh is trying to drive is both insane by doing the boogie topple off of inadequately armed chairs. There is no such thing as NO in his universe. My joke lately has been (internally of course, 'cause who knows how much he really understands...) "ok, see you later; come back when you're four."
I had no idea the test of patience parenting would be. I feel like a hag much of the time. A shell of my former, easy going self.
I am so not zen.
10:39 p.m.||||2002-11-16
...I dont know.
5:42 p.m.||||2002-11-16
testing