8:41 p.m.||||2002-10-10
Josh is sleeping on the floor next to me as I wade through the murky land of Sallie Mae, trying to figure out why in hell they won't leave me alone.
Blood from a turnip I tell you . For anyone who doesn't know, SM is an inane loan-keeping/making company who processes the majority of federal loans for school here in the good ole' US of A, and they suck - they're incompetent, and they don't quit. I owe them around 120,000 dollars, not a dime of which they will see until I'm employed at a real job; and yes, I owe them, but they're nutty, they find ways to charge for your breath, even when things are in deferment and forbearment. And they harass. And when you do pay them (some of my stuff is in repayment), they apply funds to the wrong stuff constantly and then charge more fees. About half my loans were with them in the begninning and they have since bought out the rest. They're a sort of gestapo.
I have a burning desire to drink some liquor right now. I've been out of the house once today when I took Josh to play in the backyard and I am feeling housebound and sorry for myself. Dave has "band practise" two nights a week now, and it only accentuates my feelings of not having an adequate number of pals with which to share my mirth.
Remember a long time ago when I mentioned my sole mama friend here, whose husband hates me and threw me out of their house for talking and sounding "like a cricket"...and then she called me a couple weeks ago to say "hey, I've been down, talking to no-one, and I just had a new baby"? Yeah, well. I wish in a way she hadn't even called me because it's thrown me back into a kind of sorrow at being a lonely, isolated mother. Because....I've called her twice since and she's back to not returning my calls ever - why the fuck did she even bother? I get into this mode sometimes where I feel like I simply must be the world's biggest liability friend-wise, based on the way some of my female friendships have turned out; then I vacillate, thinking, you dumb girl you think you're so unique and that everyone should care, and that everyone has a fucking opinion about you...let it go.
And then I do, but still, I'm lonely.
I haven't sought out a parent group because I am so sure I'm the biggest freak around. In many ways my mind still operates like a fifth grader - and I'm the one who has to cradle Josh through the painful formative years! Pray with me that I don't have the eminent nervous breakdown I know I deserve first, ok?
9:56 p.m.||||2002-10-09
We watched Formula 51 this afternoon and it was hilarious - new Samuel Jackson movie.
Just biding time - til what I'm unsure. I was about to around editing a photo of an orange I took. Nothing like the still life of an egg I once drew in pastels.
Now I'm off to gaze at the code of others...
3:42 p.m.||||2002-10-08
I'll explain these later.
3:10 p.m.||||2002-10-08
The nice thing about the options fields is they force me to think about eating, reading and listening to music. Oh my, I so love this template and this idea. I need to think about collage and three point perspective more when I'm designing. Obviously, the internal scroll thing isn't about to have it's day...and that's acceptible. I was overusing it in place of more complicated planning - but - no more. Dave and got busted for being online too much this week - that's what happens with Kazaa. Personally, I despise the phone and never miss its ringing - I filer all calls anyway, and 95% of the time let the machine get it - I have a phone phobia. But everyone else in my life (other than Dave) has no such problem with the phone. Anyway, we're going to look into another phone line to compensate. That's sick, huh. While I can do all my designing offline, I can't get my weekly download fix any other way. Soon we will need a new memory card because three browsers along with all my other handy apps are making things freeze up and error out and a buncha other irritating quirks. Gene has DSL and I am so jealous - page loads are virtually instantaneous. Well, I need to go fix my rings page, as I have limited myself to an hour online and it's already been twenty minutes.
4:34 p.m.||||2002-10-07
Yay. Ok, so there you have it - a weird blog. This is so I can see what I'll need to do to do it myself.
In the meantime I stayed home while Dave and his sister went to visit his Grandpa - I hope that's not too weird fro anyone - it might be. I was depressed and irritable yesterday....kind of inappropriately. It was just a dark day.
Oh man, I need to edit my rings page. So long.
4:21 p.m.||||2002-10-07
4:08 p.m.||||2002-10-07
Nothing is any different dammit
4:06 p.m.||||2002-10-07
Times two
4:04 p.m.||||2002-10-07
Here goes.
I'm going to begin experimenting with blogging a bit more because I doscvered today that Opera does not accept scroll bars in any format.
So wish me luck.
8:31 p.m.||||2002-10-05
Dave's grandpa is dying of kidney cancer that spread to his aorta and his little sister gives birth in about a month; meanwhile, her husband is in the navy, was scheduled to be about within mere dyas of their baby's arrival but is getting hung up longer it seems, and might miss it all together. There is mayhem and crisis...
And there are other things. I'm reading a terrific book on the gospel of Christ called The Raggamuffin Gospel...I love this guy - he discredits no-one, in fact he draws richly and in an educated fashion upon the spiritual beliefs of a variety of groups; he very zenfully but within the context of a believer in Christ pulls it all together - specifically the idea of grace. It's hard to believe that once I didn't believe in God.
I've been known to dispute many things....I'm glad that as I get older I realize increasingly how truly dumb I am. And that is good. Freeing. To be senseless, know it, and begin to feel ok with it. Because I am given grace.
And I hope you know I'm not refering to intelligence. Just the overall insight...
Anyhoo.
I dunno.
I had more to say I thought. But perhaps not.
xo