10:53 p.m.||||2002-08-18

Cancelled. Whish they'd cancel my debt right along with it.
As planned, my class was cancelled.

Tomorrow I will be spending some time with my mom looking at other stuff I can do in some kind of interim. This is the second time I've been prepared to go and waited months to have it cancelled two days before it would have started. Obviously there's no kind of market for it right now in this asshole town, but you know what? I can study for and pass the first certificaiton exam without it.

First I have to sort of rediscover my will to live.

I do have a sense of humor about the fact that we're moving in with D's mom at the end of the month, and that, if you look at it from the outside, it looks like we're losers.

Every month out of the past twenty-four, I have been hounded daily by bill collectors far and wide. I have been holding my breath, waiting for the year I will venture out, like the big, college-educated gal I am, and get a real fucking job. But I am behind, I did miss the boat, and I am trying very hard not to have it be a direct reflection of me, the kind of person I am, the kind of things I really represent. I am NOT my debt, it is not all there is to me, and yet it is one of the defining elements of my life.

I have been out of my mind the last weeks, scared of starting class mixed with fear it would be cancelled; afraid of the big change of moving in with a PARENT, the fear of where I feel I'm headed mentally if I don't at least pretend stability is important to me.

The kid refuses to leave me alone so maybe I'll be up the to task of an entry next month.

Whatever.

The other thing I have decided to do, along with get a life, is to start keeping personal, paper journal.

Along with the litany of other things I have failed to do, this will be a task I will need a lot of luck or a stroke from God to actually do.