11:58 p.m.||||2002-07-16
Every time I look at my page I am shocked all over again. (I admit it, I was possibly inebriated when I changed it, and frankly I'm surprised it came off without a hitch - I didn't expect my guestbook and sitemeter to be there, but they were.) I also miss having a design of my own up, but am sort of tired bothering with coding for the sake of diaryland. (Although, I do have a "request", and those are far more fun than just doing it for myself.) The thing is, diaryland is saturated with coding talent, and I know I can do it, eh, and I can't wait for school to start next month so I can learn new stuff without having to reinvent the wheel every time I do a template (I do 'em all by hand, one silly line at a time, and I don't type well.) And most of the stuff I want to play with means I'd need my own server space...and in that case why not move my whole journal, and in that case I need to decide whether it's worth it.
Two things have happened that seriously put a dent in my online time: Josh has become a fulltime, dedicated to constant motion toddler, AND, I have sort of lost interest in favor of other pursuits - namely spending some time with two of my friends who are moving soon (Lazylotus and Hernando both. That leaves Julio. For me, I mean, you know, MY peeps. I have plenty of friendly, borrowed through Dave, acquaintances - yeah friends - but you know. Would I say I'm close to anyone else? Not really. Lazy and I go back a long long way and so do Hernando and I, although he is quite often the bane of my existence; and Julio is the only person I call almost every day, with whom I must confer regularly if all is to be well in the world. And all three are closer in age to me than the rest of the gallery, peanut.)(Did you also notice that they are all three single - well sort of, if Hernando ever gets divorced - childless males? Yeah. Hummph.)
D and I painted a base coat at the house where he is doing a new project. We have everything lined up for daycare except both the money and the actual necessity. This has been the skinniest week ever, and frankly, I'm afraid to open this month's bills. Being poor sucks. I have to fill out my forms to renew medicaid and don't even know what to put for "income". There's nothing on paper yet. And I had and quit a job I forgot to report. Sigh. However, I feel emotionally much better without the pressure of truly inane job and everyone still seems supportive. And school starts next month and I can actually envision that next year, we'll be living in a big enough place, with a nice bedroom for Josh, and possibly offstreet parking, and no litter in our front plot, and maybe even some amenities like a dishwasher and in-house washing machine and dryer. And hopefully with health insurance and a salary big enough to beat back the wolves who are constantly at my door. This is so unattainable for many so I feel guilty for thinking in material terms. But it's not my pride that hurts from poverty. It's really self-esteem. I wish I could just go get a double-wide couch but that is so extravagant as to be impossible. I wish there weren't beer bottles and cigarette butts and packages outside my front door step but that's just how it is right now. I fight not to feel hopeless. Poverty sucks because being powerless sucks. This economy sucks and capitalism sucks. And this has been my mood recently.
Josh is evolvong faster that I can report. I plan to put up pictures soon.
Oh guess what?!? My mom has Frontpage and is giving it to me on Friday! I'm psyched.
Ok, this was an entry, huh? Kewl.