12:07 a.m.||||2002-07-04
A couple things. I have way less time to write in this here ole journal and I fear it is getting replaced by real life activity. I must tell you - I LOVE faux-finishing so far. There is no static, no managers or "staff" hanging over me; just sweet Dave and he sometimes has to make me take a smoke break. I look f'ing forward to going in the morning and when I get into - into the scrubbing of paint into many whirls and whorls of swirly texture finish, hours fly by, and by the end of it I am happily hungry, covered in paint, pleased with the day's accomplishments, and happy to have spent the day with someone I love.
Now, the other day I was talking to my mum on the phone, afteri got up the nerve to call her and tell the latest madness - not really so mad, if you thinnnk about it - and she was like, "do you still want to for the certification in web design because if you aren't interested I want to know now. And I told her, truthfully, yeah I'm interested, and that this under-taking work with Dave has more to do with learning and hopefully, catching him up a bit, as well as adding to my bank of saleable skills. You know? When I read the classifieds, I am depressed and humiliated that although I am smart enough to be trained in many things, most jobs don't hire in those with no experience and nothing on paper in lieu of it.
So, when this summer is done, I will be better at two saleable things. And both demand patience and creativity and thought - all of which are lacking in your typical $3.15/hour plus tips screwball service job. My lack of ambition does, however, stem from my inability to think realistically about money. Yeah, I had an extended adolescence of about ten years, at least four of which I thought I'd be dead by thirty, and no, I did not make the best of the college that was afforded me. (At least I'm not one of the leading statistics of suicides by former college students who graduated into debt...). And yes...I did survive my childhood by creating a fantasy land I could inhabit, one which has been hard to shake since.
The thing is, I'm smart. Really. And not like I think h9ighly of myself because of it - no. Certainly I have struggled with my own self esteem my entire life because of it. I was a geek, a nerd, a punk, a renegade, myself, myself plus subpop and so into infinty, but when I was eighteen I wrote religiously 0 I have over a decade's worth of journals in a box, documenting my battle to find self-worth and enough self promotion to be an ARTIST, which was what I had planned from such a young age without the proper support to back me up (Dad pushed "retail" instead), that in restrospect it seems ridiculous. But I was never more productive than at that age: most of my best art evolved between 18 and 24, and best writing, for one reason: I gave a shit and I did it EVERY DAY. I have been trying to get back to this certain innocence that I had which enabled me to do those things so freely...my whole life. And then my twenties took over.
I guess I'm saying that it's frustrating to be evaluated by the work you do - when you just rejected that path (school/career/mostly just carreer)when you were too young and naive to know better, and anyway, you would have needed a mentor to encourage you, and for a long while, there was no-one.
I guess I'm saying that it's depressing to know I'm capable of more, much more, and maybe I should have been more ambitious earlier....but....I am still not materialistic, I still aim to be not of this earth, I don't feel beholden this culture or man, and quite frankly, money is evil. You know, a lot has changed since I've had my child. It's fine for me to feel comfortable going without, but, ugh...it will be a test of my character to raise Josh so that he has, on one hand, an appreciation of the gravity of DEBT, but on the other hand a healthy disregard for the physical world. That sounds funny.
I didn't understand what getting into debt really meant when I was 18 and getting the first of my eventual seven credit cards - I suppose I used my new buying power to buy my way out of depression. (What did I buy? Alcohol, clothes, a guitar, an amp, cash advances for chemicals...). You know. C'mon, I was an 18 yeard old (they can be REALLY Dense)(Not to mention, they fall into this trap because their colleges make fucking million dollar deals to push their credit cards on kids whose buying potential hasn't even been established yet). As regards Josh, I need to have him know what happens when you DO live to be responsible for debt. I would have him act as if this particular, material world is pretty subjective, and he needn't be too concerned except where his own moral obligation is involved - I never felt bad about running up a debt because I felt so detahced from reality that I couldn't even iimagine the consequences of my actions, and if I had a hint here and there, believe me, my powers of denial were and can be strong! (fantasy land) . Still, haven't I always been seeking the truth. Yeah. I can refresh myself with the knowledge that I am often wrong, and I only see it when I've come out the other end. So what?
I am rambling and the thing that's going to annoy me later is my current template - isn't it red? Is it hot where you live and read this? Does it encourage that sweltering feeling? I need something new.
So yeah, anyway, the web design thing is on....I was driving along the river today on the way back from where D & I are working - a beautiful stretch of leafy overgrown trees and old brick farmhouses, and curves in the roads - and I was checking out the scenery thinking, "it could just be a small house, but like these, I love these, I love two story , semi-tiny farmhouses, I have always coveted them, and I would sew stuff for my furniture, like the slipcovers I made when I was seven and a half months pregnant, and I would use many primary colors that Josh would like, and we could make the basement a recording studio..." Aggghhhhhh! But I SEE it, I do, like the sheep and the el pacas down the road. (I WILL learn to make/process wool from its humble naked animal making beginnings and make yarn and then garments - why not!?!?!?!) and as Dr. Phil says on Oprah, you know, you have to visualize it before you can inhabit it. (hahah, snicker). In some ways, in many ways, my little blonde son has inspired me to challenege all pf my assumptions over again, cling to essential things I feel to be true, and to take risks that will imrove our quality of life. I can live in a ghetto happily, for myself, but with this child, I need to raise the bar.I don't believe there is valor in putting a child in a certain environment only because it's diverse. There's not a person in this ghetto I think who would stay given a motherfucking choice. Ai-ight?
That reminds me, I'm checking out daycare in Friday - same old debate for longer than a decade...inaccessible daycare for the working class. But Josh is SO socially oriented that I can't imagine holding off on an environment part of the time that will include other children, whom he adores...my mum is helping us - have I mentioned that she's an angel?
Two more things...one is that I had a literally bloody urinary tract infection which prompted me to go see the doc. She also put me on Bentyl for my IBS and although it might be wishful thinking, I feel a vast improvement in two days! I mean, it's early still and I have been going through it for six years, it's been actaully life-altering, and so I hate to speak too soon, but within an hour of taking it, the gnawing pain that had shaped the previous week lightened and then gradually disappeared. Holy crap. Even that tiny thing inspired me. The meds make me very thirsty so suddenly I am drinking water constantly. Make one of those glasses with fibercil, and allasudden, my guts have something to work with. It seems like such a blessing already, I cannot believe I procrastinated this long.
The other things are, in other news, she had her new baby; I adore this guy; hehasn't updated in 78 days; although we talk all the time, she somehow neglected to tell me her little brother has been living with her for the past three months (?)...and the resta all y'all: I read you every chance I get!
Goodnight