5:58 p.m.||||2002-06-27
Ugh. Ever have times...when you do what you need to, or at least what you deem necessary, whether it makes sense or not, and in one way know that from the outside, your house looks chaotic and messy and erratic, but inside certain things are boiling down, and anxieties are letting up that have been essentially frying your mind...? Ugh. I have been having little waves of oanic all day, and I think it's coming from having made a quick decision that effects everything, and it was a good and necessary decision, but now begins a time of change, and I hate change, I fear it. Spent the better part of this week trying to find babysitters, trying to see if we can afford it - I want what I want, darnit. Do I always have to compromise? I could be happy with a shack and a garden so long as we had friends coming evey once in a while who could play a mean fiddle. Why do I feel such guilt over quitting the hell-hole, that injured my knee for a month, made it so that I was hobbling every shift, not making money, not spending any quality time with Josh out of stress, not getting to see Dave all weekend to the point where I haven't the faintest idea what's going on in HIS mind - agghhhhhh. It was hell, it wasn't paying off, I made a sudden, erratic, based in fear decision, but for GOOD, not evil. I guess what I want to know is, am I a pussy who justifies my kneejerk decisions in order to not seem like the person on a verge of a nervous breakdown like I have been for almost a decade now, or am I a decent person who does do the very hard work of mothering, self-examing, etc., but who shouldn't have to feel like it's unavoidable that a job should hurt, physically and mentally. Maybe both. When I was younger, facing total spiritual burnout that only a dead-end job can deliver, I had so much more resolve, and recovery and energy for stupid, life denying crap. Now my bullshit meter is filled much more quickly, and I swear, I would rather die at times than feel like a sub-citizen. But I am NOT about entitlement. I guess that's what I'm asking? Can I feel entitled or deserving or that it's even a human right, to remove myself from situations which are self-defeating, without consulting anyone, and without having to justify my actions? Is any amount of selfishness ok? Is it? I will say, that also, I still have as I always have had, an inability to take money related issues seriously. I have never really been comfortable with money, and the whole concept that working for money is why we work. I do not have a problem with work itself, if it is valuable and valued, and human, and good for everyone, not cheating anyone, not defining life itself, but a beneficial part OF life. That doesn't exist, does it? To make a job that you hate, for whatever reason you must (family), the center of your life anyway, to sacrifice your peace of mind for a cause - family! - so that there will be money enough, to cheat yourself out of a life because you have to sacrifice so much to a place that couldn't care less if you walk away tomorrow - what a sad, tragic, piece of m-f'in American, capitalist reality. Holy CRAP! I am quite likely an escapist, but you know, I spent six years of my life believing I would not make it to thirty and I still have doubts about forty (IBS has put an inescapable fear in me, for certain. I have not had a symptom free day in possibly five years.) and the thought of screwing around in unfulfilling, unspiritual places just sucks. Especially since I'm nowhere near the serenity I want to have. Not even close. I am sitting at the threshold muttering, I am teachable. Am I? I just have this strong strong feeling that in ten years the person I am right now will seem like a nostalgic borderline nightmare - if I can in fact find the road and the path toward - - what - fearlessness? Growth? Ugh.