12:24 p.m.||||2001-12-20
Last night I had dinner with my anarchist friend, had some drinks and went back to his house and had some more. I was talking about having crushes and how they're absurd, really, and I don't know...but he is a very pushy kind of guy. Something in that conversation changed the dynamic and I had to kinda fend him off. He has no sense of people's physical space. He's a wonderful guy, but can't control certain impulses.
Whenever we hang out he points out my obvious flaws - dry skin, look tired, look dehydrated, whatever. Every single time. He's like a puppy, really, who criticizes. I have told him repeatedly to back the fuck up, I don't need to hear any of that dumb assessment - what he's always digging for is how well I am taking care of myself. He winds up pointing to things I cannot change. I told him, over dinner, wow, you really have no idea who I am anymore, do you?
He's going through a divorce. He's frustrated. I am not the best person for him to hang with I realized. I told him in Farmer Jack's, "you need to work on your feminist side, dude ,for real." Because he talks about sex a lot and is apparently obssessed with it - well, I always knew this, but it's never bothered me, because as I told him he is the total pain in the ass kind of brother I never had. I can't help but love him, he's got a great soul...he just could stand to chill, a little. I should have never been talking about having a crush.
He picked me up so I could escape for a while. He wound up shooting a video of me talking about diaryland. Then I was on the phone, and made him cut it out. When I got off the phone he sorta interviewed me. I said nothing incriminating, because there is nothing incriminating, yet somehow I feel funny that we did that. Just hanging out, talking, making a 20 minute short. About me. For cryin out loud, will ya. It was fun. I look old. I forgot I am so ridiculously animated. Hmmm. I was like, I should go back into acting. My face cannot withhold expression, apparently. I thought I was being all hostile and wooden, but no. I'm a give-away dumbass.
Dave took today off because the car nearly blew up. He drove it halfway to the shop and it crapped out and he had to walk back. He got hold of the car person and then had to return to the car on foot.......our lives are fucking crazy. I'm a little insane myself.
I woke up hungover and remorseful for no good reason.
I am pretty good at convincing others I am nuts...but I am really just on a journey. And I'm sick of censoring myself. And I have no idea what I'm saying really, and I wish, wish, wish, wish, I could envision the future.
I hope everyone's having a good week before the holidays and that we all come out the other side.
I hope Beecroft has a nice drive.