11:36 a.m.||||2001-11-12
Man. I just do not know what to say anymore...a plane crashed in Queens, this morning apparently. A witness is describing for GMA that he saw an engine fall off before it fell - it was smoking before that. Sickening.
D and I learned this weekend that his sister has already purchased our tickets for the trip we are supposed to take to Las Vegas over Thanksgiving. I hate, hate, hate flying in the first place....and regardless what the odds might be for hopping on a to-be-hi-jacked plane. I don't think I can handle it. If the tickets are non-refundable then I imagine I'll have to go, no matter how frightened I am.
I don't want to go. We were going to get married in Vegas, but D's mom wants to be there, probably others do too...so the only purpose of this visit to one of the biggest, most disgustingly American, congested, high-risk cities, would be to spend T-giving w/D's dad. We already decided to get married here...though I like the D's dad well enough, I don't think this trip is gonna be worth it.
What am I going to do? I'm going to watch the news and wait til they confirm that it was due to terrorism - what are the odds that it isn't? - and then refuse to go. We'll just have to pay his sister back for the tickets. I wonder if tickets are even being refunded...or if they make special arrangements for cancellations due to terrorist fear. I feel like puking. Another 255 people. Dead. Gone. Finished.
I can't imagine taking my 5 - nearly 6 - month old son on a plane right now and I can't imagine being separated from him over Thanksgiving. I wish we hadn't been so fucking wishy-washy making these plans because we hemmed and hawed and she bought the tickets before we really firmed up the plans. On her credit card. Crap. How much, I wonder. Will it be selfish if I out and out refuse to go? I mean, flying is so horrifying anyway, and 2 weeks before the holiday there's another crash? They don't know that it's a terrorist attack yet...but unless I mainline some morphine, I know I will not be able to control myself - I will believe in my heart that I will die in this plane, all of my reflexes will take it as a serious threat...my head is swimming with death. I hate this war...I hate the hate. I hate not being able to control anything. I hate the suffering of so many as they struggle to make sense of madness. I hate the sudden and abrupt loss of innocence.
I offer another prayer for those who are suffering...