11:01 a.m.||||2001-10-12

october 12
ok...that's very exciting...David Bowie...I just tripped over these fabulous designs. I was trying to post my "gouge away" link and failed. Can't put up "mamadiaries" either...but I'd really have to know html. I guess. What the - ? I noticed that my previous link still works..."18 to enter": like that actually means something. Enter into the contraband of an average HOUSEWIFE who cusses a lot and alludes to problems she'll never explain in full. Anyway...this is really a dummy entry as I try more stuff I have NO experience with. Ya know.

Then this, then that. What about: And if that, then what. and if i keep keep keep keep on messing with it where does the <> go blah, i'm having the worst week of my life, parenting wise. all that baby rage - my rage. i remember. how can it not hurt you, when you've done all you can and he screams anyway, like a stuck pig, with primalgrowls and rumbles, crescendoing into a siren. he's been crying like this since birth - he was a big, normal, unstressed out infant - and his cries don't mean pain, although you would fucking think so. What the problem is is i'm in existential hell, right here, i keep thinking about "Nausea" and even "the Fall"...and i know i'm part of a goddamned vacuumn. even my own circumstances don't seem real. but i'm a mirage i can taste. my life tastes wet to me. haing a bay is a straight march into the morass of the human condition. i hate what's looking back at me and i feel such anger, lately. I wake up chewing on my lip, cheek, biting hard...i find myself chewing on my tongue hard enough that i'm surprised i don't draw blood. i felt like puking this morning. then it was a sneeze. and THAT connection sucks. we're supposed to go away this weekend and although it might mean respite i feel i need it to restore something i lost recently that, unrestored, is the beginning of a sickening cycle. you fail if you don't put something in place. something has to take its place. Host....blah